Forceps - Emotional / Social

I should acknowledge currently, and presently, that one of my main reasons for being in the library so much are social. Being around people is very important for my psychic well-being. If I am alone too much, I go increasingly insane. Mander (1978) notes, when drawing an analogy between offices and sensory deprivation chambers:

Before total disorientation occurs, a second effect takes place. That is a dramatic increase in focus on any stimulus at all that is introduced. In such a deprived environment, one single stimulus acquires extraordinary power and importance. In the most literal sense, the subject loses perspective and cannot put the stimulus in context.

This seems to have a strong analogy to what happens to me. When I spend too long alone, I find myself unable to deal with even small amounts of social interaction, which only makes me further and further withdrawn.

So here I am in the library. I am trying to carve out a presence as a regular, such that my presence itself becomes a reason for conversation. Such that I become a part of the library, and my social interaction with other more-or-less regulars is legitimized by this. In short, I am trying to make the library, in particular this room—the group study room—a social space. I find myself unable to socialize in situations mediated by alcohol, and it seems best to try to find people where the people I might like might most likely be.

So far I have seen Henrik a couple of times, spoken with him a bit. Tilly came in today too, and I spoke with her quite a bit. It was, socially, quite a good day. Haven't formed any acquaintances yet, though. Still, it's only a couple of days in.

I wonder whether I should show anyone else this blog, or even make it public? It would be interestingly self-reflexive to have to consider my writing, again, from an outsiders' perspective. Maybe I'll tell Alex.

Alex distracted me from research again today, with some considerably important and emotional conversation. I came away from it feeling quite a lot better. I also emailed grace, as I am wont to do.

All of these things are important because they are threads that run in and out of the process of my CEP. I exist socially, and emotionally, and these aspects both play into and interrupt my work. Without them, there would be no stable myself, and no CEP. They support my work, and sometimes destroy it, or make it seem less important.

This will, of course, be explored a great deal further.

I have also become aware that my CEP is predicated very importantly on the condition that I not ask myself what I am doing my CEP on. It is necessary that I just do it. This self-deception is quite important, and quite curious...

On the logistic front, I now must walk home. I've decided that it is financially impractical to pay the £2.70(!) it costs to travel back to Falmouth by bus after 9:15PM. As such, when I leave late, which I almost always will I imagine, I will walk. It should take about an hour. Music will ease the boredom.

Mander, J., 1978. Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television, New York: Morrow.