A German term for "mid-life crisis" is Torschlusspanik, lit. "shut-door-panic," fear of being on the wrong side of a closing gate.
From Etymology Online on 'crisis'.
The night comes with hard decisions. I have a certain amount of food, I know tonight might be messy. Do I go home on the bus, the last of which leaves in a quarter hour, or do I stay as long as I intend to and walk back, with less opportunity for a hearty dinner, but I could justify getting chips on the way home.
I read ex (as in, excommunicator), thinking in some way that this might make up my mind. Tor helps me be secretive.
I've been asked, a few times, how my summer has been. Every time, I look away and say, yeah, it's been alright, not much happened. Why? A lot has happened, just like a lot happens every summer. But for some reason I don't discuss it. I can't quite place why... I'm scared of it, maybe, as one usually is when things are so bound up in emotion, and also it's hard to explain. And, I guess, perhaps it's just not that kind of question, that requires an honest answer. Should I be complicit in those questions, though?
I find myself wondering whether this is relevant. Like I need an excuse to tell even you, whoever you might be, reading this in the end. I guess I feel guilty about that. Like I must stay on track. Which is an interesting part of the CEP, and why I am finding it currently so difficult: it requires commitment to a particular 'line' or progression of study.
Soon I must propose what I intend to do. I must know this even before I begin. This is in common with every form of work I can think of, but of no form of play I can think of. It seems quite interesting that this would be the case. When I was trying to write my 3rd year proposal, a few months ago, I got a sudden burst of energy towards trying to find a mode of practice that would be congruous with play or relaxation. This is most certainly not going to be it, but why?
I need to find a better way of organizing material. Blogs are good for braindumps but their chronological organization doesn't allow for much coherence in a large project.
Missed the last student bus. Looks like I'm walking home.
P.S: It is relevant. My CEP emerges quite definitely out of the ashes of the summer. I want to be out of that house.
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